WASHINGTON - Top White House officials announced that a previously unknown planet discovered on the outer rim of our solar system would henceforth be known as “Little Arbusto,” and that calling the planet “Sedna” or any other name would be unlawful.
“We’re not sure how to handle this situation,” Said Ted Whitinski, NASA project manager. “We had come up with some befitting scientific names for the tenth planet, but a threatening fax from Dick Cheney has made us think twice about going public with them.”
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Whitinski went on to detail the fax, allegedly sent by Vice President Cheney on August 2.
“It stated that ‘the very sun, moon and stars’ exist to amuse George W. Bush, and that if we tried to name the planet anything ‘Science-esque,’ we would be shipped in gorilla crates to Guantanamo Bay, where our scrotal skin would be stripped off with a belt sander.” The fax reportedly went on to detail how scientists’ families would be interned in 1940s-style camps, and how their gold teeth would be seized and melted down into charms for Cheney and his friends to wear on special occasions.
In a highly unusual move, the Bush Administration invoked the article of Planetary Conquest, which was passed by congress, buried deep in the pages of the Patriot Act.
“This article gives us the right to name and exploit the resources of any planet, discovered or otherwise, in this galaxy or any other, for ever and ever amen,” said Bush during a recent question and answer session.
